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rambling
Posted September 16, 2012 at 8:44pm
i don't know where else to post this? spillage of feels, I am sorry.. I don't really like sharing things like this but I don't really know what to do?
Um, well okay. I have had this dilemma in my head for some time. I guess I am at that age where I have to decide what I want to do. But I feel so pathetic if I don't do something useful or creative with my life. Something meaningful that will contribute to the world. I keep thinking, over and over in my head of what I want to do. But I just don't know anymore.
I feel like I will waste my life if I don't pursue an art career or something, because this is the only life I have. I can't just pursue something different later. I just like to create things. But I don't want it to be a contest. I know that someone else will always be better. I understand that, but why does it hurt so much?
All my life I've had this horrible mindset that talents determined a person's worth. That not everyone is equal. Only if they're good at something, then they're worth something. I have a horrible ego. I really, really do. It's not a happy thing. I would always make an excuse for why a person was better. I knew that I wasn't the best, but my mind kept telling myself that I was. .. If I wasn't the best, I would be worthless. I kept telling myself these things, because I didn't want to fall apart.
I want to draw.. because I like to draw. I want to create things, because I want to. Not just pictures, but sculptures, stories, you name it. I don't really.. care about being the best. I know that I never will be. And there isn't such a thing as "the best" anyway, because every person has their own merit. I want to get better at these things, because.. I just love them. Through them, I feel like I can understand everything a little better. And maybe, other people will be touched, and understand things better, too.
I guess I don't want to just help people, though. I want to help animals, too. I really, really do.
But I feel like I'm breaking now. Everything is sort of.. deteriorating. I can always slap on that positive, fake personality and tell myself "Oh, everything will get better! Nothing is useless, and it's okay." But where will that lead me? Down that same path, that same feeling of loneliness and hopelessness inside? I never wanted to seem sad, because then I would feel even more hopeless. And then I wouldn't be able to cheer anyone else up that were depressed with things going on in their lives. I just had to maintain that positive outlook. And don't get me wrong, I love being positive. .. But I have so many moments where I'm at the very bottom of everything, kind of like now. I don't mean to add to the drama of everything happening.. but what's the point of being facetious anymore.
My main question is.. what is meaningful? What will fulfill me? I don't want to make a horrible mistake. Whatever path I choose will determine how the rest of my life is going to be set up. I don't want to regret it. And I don't really want to give up, even though I feel like at any time, I might. I really don't want to be so selfish, though. So many people have invested their time and care into me, and I don't want to make them regret that. And I really do want to see where the future may lead me, what I can do and where I can go.
I kind of just.. rambled on. I'm sorry if things didn't make any sense. No one has to reply, I just had to write this somewhere.
I feel like I will waste my life if I don't pursue an art career or something, because this is the only life I have. I can't just pursue something different later. I just like to create things. But I don't want it to be a contest. I know that someone else will always be better. I understand that, but why does it hurt so much?
All my life I've had this horrible mindset that talents determined a person's worth. That not everyone is equal. Only if they're good at something, then they're worth something. I have a horrible ego. I really, really do. It's not a happy thing. I would always make an excuse for why a person was better. I knew that I wasn't the best, but my mind kept telling myself that I was. .. If I wasn't the best, I would be worthless. I kept telling myself these things, because I didn't want to fall apart.
I want to draw.. because I like to draw. I want to create things, because I want to. Not just pictures, but sculptures, stories, you name it. I don't really.. care about being the best. I know that I never will be. And there isn't such a thing as "the best" anyway, because every person has their own merit. I want to get better at these things, because.. I just love them. Through them, I feel like I can understand everything a little better. And maybe, other people will be touched, and understand things better, too.
I guess I don't want to just help people, though. I want to help animals, too. I really, really do.
But I feel like I'm breaking now. Everything is sort of.. deteriorating. I can always slap on that positive, fake personality and tell myself "Oh, everything will get better! Nothing is useless, and it's okay." But where will that lead me? Down that same path, that same feeling of loneliness and hopelessness inside? I never wanted to seem sad, because then I would feel even more hopeless. And then I wouldn't be able to cheer anyone else up that were depressed with things going on in their lives. I just had to maintain that positive outlook. And don't get me wrong, I love being positive. .. But I have so many moments where I'm at the very bottom of everything, kind of like now. I don't mean to add to the drama of everything happening.. but what's the point of being facetious anymore.
My main question is.. what is meaningful? What will fulfill me? I don't want to make a horrible mistake. Whatever path I choose will determine how the rest of my life is going to be set up. I don't want to regret it. And I don't really want to give up, even though I feel like at any time, I might. I really don't want to be so selfish, though. So many people have invested their time and care into me, and I don't want to make them regret that. And I really do want to see where the future may lead me, what I can do and where I can go.
I kind of just.. rambled on. I'm sorry if things didn't make any sense. No one has to reply, I just had to write this somewhere.
Firstly, I don't think you should ever feel bad about telling people about ramblings or whatnot. Actually, telling people is probably the best way to make yourself feel better, simply because they can introduct you to perspectives you otherwise may have missed.
Deciding what you do for the rest of your life shouldn't just happen. I mean, sure, some people may be able to just decide what they do and go for it, but it doesn't have to be what someone else does. There is no perfect way to do anything at all ever. Perfection, or whatever's "best", will never be obtained. But what can be obtained is individuality. What's meaningful is being true to yourself. What will actually fulfill you is happiness. I remember telling you to seek happiness with your conflictions about that one guy with the thing and stuff. Of course, you may not be able to /always/ do what you want to get by, but if I understand the way this century seems to be working, you will always have an opportunity to be happy.
Them other coo' folks already said it; you can't make a mistake. Individuality should not be based on anyone else. It should be your choice, no one else's.
As aforementioned, life isn't one of them one-way streets. But being omni-directional as it is, one is never able to see where you'll ultimately end up. And that's perfectly okay, because I'd rather enjoy the roadtrip rather than worry about when we'll run out of fuel. <Insert silly "not about the destination, but the journy" overused quote>
And but like anyways. I'm constantly revolving around this individualism thing. I hope you don't mind. Just go look at Psy. Gangnam style. He's put in exactly what makes him unique. "Dress nice, and dance like a retard" or something like that, is what he's actually said. And look what glory he has become. But again, it's not about how he ended up, because he's still progressing. He's not at the endgame just yet, because generations will never stop growing. Artists always create things, and you never know where those things will lead.
I don't really know what I'm talking about anymore. Gangnam style is corrupting my train of thought. But I hope I at least could make you smile, despite the part where you might have heard this all before or four days later you're already feeling better or something. I hope you're feeling better though <3
In terms of career, you always have to follow your passions. True, 'passions' rarely pay well, but it is not what you have or buy or own that makes you happy, but rather what you do and live. So do and live what you love.
The world will always need artists and illustrators and creative people. Find your passions, sharpen your skills in them, and go change the world. That's always been my plan.
It will be hard. So hard that if you could see everything that would happen, you couldn't do it. But looking back, it'll be some of the best choices and best times you ever had.
If you make a mistake, people who love you will forgive you. But if you make a mistake in not following your dreams, you'll never be able to forgive yourself.
I guess I'd like to monologue my way into religion, faith, fulfillment, and happiness but let's stop where we are.
<3
It's like that but with my writing. I can write, sure, but when I see, say, Twiggy or Sparkleaf or Frosti's writing, I just sort of give up, because I can't compare to them, you know? I think what you're trying to say is that even though you're talented at drawing, why even draw when there are people better than you?
You need to get out of that mindset! I'm sure everyone goes through a stage of self-doubt.
This is the 21st century, KK! Do whatever you want to do. I write, but I'm also talented at sewing! In fact, I may even say I'm better at sewing than writing! But here, I write- that's my forte! What's yours? That's what you have to ask yourself!
I agree with Max- I think you'd be a good art teacher! I also think you'd be a good museum curator but I guess that's just me. xD Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you're obliged to pursue a career for that good thing! That's what college is for. I've always wanted to be a teacher. I've been told I work well with younger kiddos. But do I have 50+ pens or pencils? Do I have a teacher's desk and name plaque? Nope! But I have college!
The point I'm trying to make is, you can still decide! Your only, what, 16, 17? In that year or so figure out what you want to do. And just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do that thing.
Good luck, KK!
~Apsa
I like museum curators, hee. That sounds fun.
Nevertheless thank you.
I went through this myself, and up until my graduation this year, I didn't know what I was going to do either. Frankly I still don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know what I'm going to be doing in even a year's time. It's just part of life - these rough patches happen, and they're hard to work through, but you do what you have to do. It's part of being young and growing up.
What I've realized is that your life is an open road, and in today's world, many people enjoy many, many different careers - nothing is closed off to you, ever. Life isn't a one directional street. You can do whatever you want. If you're driven, you can pursue art, professionally or as a hobby. You can pursue wildlife conservation. My mom has a degree in French and Wildlife Science - she could be a game warden if she wanted to, and she spent a lot of time doing animal rehabilitation. She ended up writing urban wildlife columns in the newspaper and then doing real estate because she loved fixing up houses. You can do whatever you want to do, Kstan, and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Guess what? My degree is in Anthropology, the study of the human species. I have a tech job at deviantART. That's nowhere near related!
The entire point of the next few years of your life is to discover what's meaningful to you. But, you're not going to make a mistake. And by going down one path, you're NOT going to lock yourself into something. It's impossible to know who you are at 17, and it's equally impossible to know entirely who you are at 50.
You're not going to make a mistake. You're not going to regret what you do, because you're never going to be stuck. You (and I) are so young, and we have so much time.
You are 100% unique. You are you, and nothing in the entire universe will ever come close to who you are. Anything and everything you create is immeasurably beautiful because it is an expression of who you are, and on that level, that's something that you can NEVER compare to something someone else created.
We all feel inadequate at times, and those feelings never go away; they're things we learn to understand and accept with time. But the truth is that nobody is the best at anything, because "the best" is subjective, multi-faceted, and impossible to reach.
Try to take those feelings and turn them into something constructive, because self improvement is always a good thing. Draw and craft because you love it, and because you can express yourself through it in a way nobody else can. View others not as competitors, but as people at another point in life, searching for who they are and trying to improve themselves.
Hopefully this gargantuan wall of text could help you. I know this is a really tough time, and you're asking all the right questions. Just know that it's impossible for you to make a bad decision or go down the wrong path, as long as you keep moving forward. Going through one door doesn't do anything but open up more. Just remember to slow down, take a deep breath, and smell the flowers.
I will forever remember these words. Thank you so much.
I know that the arts are getting cut from schools, but I have a feeling that pretty soon, people will realize how important it is to have the arts in schools, because they are an outlet for students. Teaching is a good way to give back to the community.
I hope that you'll at least consider it. Don't think of teaching as an easy way out of making a big decision. Deciding to teach is a big decision. I'm planning on teaching for my life, because it gives me a chance to be involved with music so much. And I'll get to help students become better at playing, possibly producing great musicians. But I'm not teaching for the glamour of it. I want to teach because I want to inspire kids to love music.
If you ever want to talk to someone, I'll listen. All ears. :)