aaaaaa journey of self discovery

Posted October 4, 2015 at 3:56am

Thanks you guys for being so supportive ♥ this is long as heck and midnight rambling so I dont think it's readable, don't actually really read this, it's just my coming to terms with stuff.

I realize that I am just unsure, I like a lot of things, but keeping on trucking through these hard times is my best course of action. I realize I just wish I had many lives to do many different things - I want to be good at math and business/marketing, human resources, work with kids, work on games, do art, design things like toys, be a counselor, be an advisor, help people. But I may not even have the time, skill, or dedication to do any of those things. Or I can, with time and patience, in my own way to find my goal in life, but my footing right now and right here is what matters today. I don't have to be like anyone else, either. And I don't have to know exactly what I want to do immediately. Im gonna do it as me, at my own pace (but hopefully not too slow!), and I'm going to quit wallowing from today on.

I guess to give some context... For the past year or so, I've been worried about anthro. Its like - I was influenced so much by a stereotype and conversation about it. On many sites you can see things like "worthless major" or "lower paid but glorified construction worker is like being an archaeologist." I thought, oh, it's not "hard enough" or "good enough" in society's eyes for me to see any reason why I should put my full effort into it. But to say that is to discredit all the people that are in that field, and that's not right at all. It may not be like biology or engineering, for instance, and may not have the perks and advantages that those majors come with, but that doesn't mean it isn't important in its own way. And it doesn't mean I can't learn about those subjects too. And sure, there are things that i don't like about anthro, for sure. Like, I love psychology, archaeology, physical anthropology, sociology and history, but I don't like the cultural side of anthropology. And that's ok. I don't have to love everything about a field. I don't think anyone loves everything about what they do. And that's also ok.

And sure, things can get boring and hard, but that's what work is, and in the end one has gotta remember the important things. Why is it that you work so hard for possibly low outcome? For me, it's because I really do love to learn, and I really do love museums, history, animals, people, archaeology, and art and I want to learn and experience the world for what it is, and become someone really knowledgeable, and anthropology is a synthesis of all of that. Even if it is disregarded, it's important, it's not a "supreme hard science" but that doesn't mean it isn't good. And it doesn't mean that I shouldn't do it just because of that. Even though when it gets rough and I feel behind my peers I curse myself for not being the best or being disinterested in certain aspects of certain things, it's still a path and I can learn and do other things unrelated to school on the way. Work is work, it's not always fun, and not always rewarding, but regardless one is carving a place for themselves by doing it. And In the end it doesn't mean I'm gonna end up as a curator or archaeologist necessarily. I might just be working at petco or something for a while, who knows. But you know, that isn't bad either, because you are still working and doing something and thinking about what you can do next.  And it doesn't mean I can't do something else later, or that I'm limiting myself. We are all so young, and bright, and we can all learn things we want to learn, even if it isn't in the form of a degree or what someone learns from a professor or a book. What's important is to be curious and pick up our feet when we feel lost, and ask others for help when times get rough. Yes, ultimately which way to walk is a decision that someone must make, but it is a pathway regardless, and something that one can walk and learn so much from.

Of course things are gonna be hard, that I gotta work hard to get there, and that's okay. It doesn't mean I have to give up on my hobbies and personal goals just to get there. I may be different from someone else but that's just how it is, everyone is different and their quest is different, and I get that. It's easy to wish you had another life but it's ultimately yours that you have to continually improve, and continually try to understand.

I've always taken a passive stance in life, taking it easy, not really understanding anything because I didn't know I needed to, or just didn't want to put forth the effort to get there. Life was cushy, accepting, and I didn't have to work hard (sheltered lifestyle, in a weird way). My sister was the driving force to get me to do things, and I appreciate that. I guess I always wanted to be like her - she did biology, she worked hard and pushed past that sheltered attitude, she didn't come back home and she just did what she wanted to do. She worked tirelessly and worked with animals like giant sea turtles in australia, ghirabaldi in catalina, worked as a naturalist in Cayman islands, and an Educator in the San diego zoo by presenting, touring, and taking animals to schools, and more. She worked with so many animals and did so many things, and I suppose I'm jealous because I want to see animals and work with them too- not necessarily smelly humans (lol)- but it doesn't mean I can't help save them in my own way on my own terms. And of course I'm jealous of such a fabulous lifestyle, working with animals and kids, doing so much and loving what she does, by pushing herself to the limits in school. only now is she working to getting a masters degree, and she did all that.

At the same time though, I probably could not have done what she did, or does now. I've had medical issues, I'm not as bright and peppy as she is, I'm not in the same category. I still love animals, but I'm just different. and I was working with her for a time and it wasn't necessarily right for me. But that doesn't mean I can't do that by getting involved in those types of programs and shifting to become that kind of person , if that is what I want to do. And really, having that degree really put her forward in that regard, but we all do a major and see where it takes us. I mean sure, I have apprehensions in that regard because I changed from Biology to possibly CompSci and then to Anthropology. Now, I can't really work with sea turtles in australia.

I guess in a way you could say I "settled" for anthro, but you know what, I didn't really. I worked hard at anthropology because I really like it, I guess many people do but that's alright, it's about learning of our origins. I was actually quite good at what I did, or at least others said so, and I really enjoyed it. it was the first time I felt really appreciated by my mentors and peers in something I liked doing, and I was happy to be in a museum. When working at the zoo, I would rush over to the natural history museum and take it all in. in regards to animals, I won't stop enjoying their company, and loving them forever and ever, or even working with them when I can. Even if I was in bio, I don't think I could handle most jobs relating to animals have to do. I like and appreciate biology, and it doesn't mean I can't take those classes, work for the minor offered, and do similar things, but I have my own destiny. If I decide so later, it is alright.

I'm still learning, and improving, and becoming closer to the person I want to be, but I'm not quite there yet. I have a long way to go. I'm doing what I can and pushing through and it's still a rough road I'm taking.

But one thing is for sure - everyone's quest is to keep on learning and experiencing, and that never changes. And it's other people - family, friends, and even those you've never met - that keep you going through those times. So thanks you guys :) and I'm glad for the people around me. I'm gonna do my best. And I am gonna keep learning, through the thick and thin, and keep what I like near and dear to me, because I am a unique person, I don't have to be like anyone else, I can like what I like and be ambitious in what I like to be ambitious for. I am not the same as my siblings or peers and that is all right. Because we all have our place and we are all important in our own way. And that's really what is great. And when I get my degree, I'm gonna look at Anthropology and smile. Because it was most definitely worth it.

October 4, 2015 at 3:04pm
:"D we're all cheering you on, mom!!~
October 4, 2015 at 2:17pm
damn straight, Kstan. keep going, I hope you find your way.