Alright, well, I am not entirely sure what I should do at the moment. If you guys could help.. that would be lovely! ; Don't feel inclined to, however, I guess I'm just going to spew my thoughts here and organize it by writing it all out..

Okay, so, I didn't get the summer zoo job I was all excited for. But I'm not really disappointed about that; I was shooting high, as I never had a job before, and someone else with more experience was selected. Sure, its a shame, but I expected it and did my best so I'm not really sad. Actually, it really helped me practice and I feel really proud of myself for doing it.

However.. what I'm really terrified of is other's expectations, most notably my sister's. She's a wonderful person, the person I idolize and respect the most in the world. She works at the zoo, does everything I want to do, is the person I want to be.. and she sets pretty high standards for me. She's like a tiger mom, haha! My actual mom is really kind, literally the nicest person you'll ever meet, but she doesn't set such high standards for me and pretty much lets me do whatever I want. She's very principled as well, but gives me a lot of leeway and controls me with bribes pretty much. xD (those bribes being games, usually?). I'm not saying I'm a crazy, out of control child or something.. but she gives reinforcement with something like, "Hey, if you go with me to blah blah blah, then I'll get you this." It's really nice, but you can imagine I grew up pretty spoiled. So my sister is really the one who pushes me to do the best I can be, which is really good for me. I've always learned something new and got better at things whenever I went to visit her.

I didn't want to tell my sister immediately that I didn't get the job, as I was worried about her reaction and embarrassed I didn't apply to other places yet. I also didn't want to get the inkling from her that she thought I was no-good, or something like that. I am really paranoid about what other people think of me, as I am the definition of a people-pleaser... I tailor myself to the person I am talking to, so they like me and approve of me, therefore I can approve of myself. Because of that, I kind of lose myself in the process. But anyhow, I digress... I called my sister after my mom, as they were both visiting my grandma.

Aaaand, my problem is, and the main reason for creating this journal is because I have no idea what to do at the moment. My sister says I need to apply to other places, as I'm already behind because I haven't gotten a job yet and I'm 18. This makes sense, but I also have another priority.. I had to drop a class this semester, and so I'm already behind, so I kind of want to catch up over summer. My sister told me before I started at my community college nearby that I need to finish within two years, so I'm not stuck there forever. So if I follow through with her summer job plan, I might set myself back, so that's also betraying her word.

To get into more specifics... my town doesn't have the greatest jobs. And I can't really understand the specifics of each. And it may even be too late! ;; Also, my best friend Ouka-chan is going to visit me for a week or two over the summer, and we were planning to do this for some time. So I don't want something to take up all of my time.. and I know I shouldn't let a plan conflict with a job, but I also have other issues, like not finishing school on time. Also, the class I primarily want to take over summer is a general ED requirement, Speech. All my friends are telling me to take it over the summer, as its shorter and the summer teacher is MUCH nicer than the fall and spring teacher. I have really bad anxiety in speaking, so this class is going to be really hard for me to take over the normal course of things.. especially considering I'm one class behind. Oh, and I don't even have a driver's license yet either, so I would have to make someone drive me every day if that were so. Unless I somehow fit getting that into the weekends or something.

My sister is pushing me to apply places, but I'm really busy with essays and whatnot at the moment.. she says its just excuses, but I really am working hard at the things I need to do. My parents say that I should do the summer school, and not worry about the job.. but my sister says that they're too cushy with me, and that I shouldn't listen or else I'll be trapped at home forever. I don't know.. I'm so pressured from all these different sides.. I know it's up to me in the end, but I honestly have no idea what to do. I know I should at least try to apply somewhere, but what should I try to take? Seasonal? Part-time? I never had one before, so I don't know what each one means..

I should just get a therapist or something. I have enough emotional problems as it is, haha.

Wow sorry for the text wall!! I'll be amazed if anyone reads this.