I am disappoint.
oh man. Summer finally started two days ago, and I love being able to relax :D
But for some reason, I feel like I haven't made myself known. Outside of my own fantastic group of friends, that is. It feels like I should talk more, post more, or something more as I feel like I lack social tactfullness. I struggle to find words to say, and always, /always/ consider /everything/ I say, which makes it difficult to say anything at all. I'm too much of an introvert imo, but certain persons [not just one] are so inspiring, even though what they do is such a subtle difference. The very fact that I'm privileged to know them at all past their name is an amazing feat in itself; I never though I could associate myself with what I consider higher beings in the social ladder [I guess that's one way to put it.]. I always feel like I'm below everyone as a collective, because I always stumble upon someone who's better than me at one specific thing [ie playing piano or guitar, card tricks etc.].
And sometimes it makes me wonder why I'm still here if I'm so replaceable. Of course, people I know would say "No, you're not replaceable /flatterflatter", and it would make sense because in a way, people are a collection of everything they do and have done, as a generalization. It's the entire project that makes a person, not just one chapter or one volume. Not just one melody or one verse. It's everything.
The problem I'm having is the fact I hold back so much, and I hold back the fact that I hold back and never get anywhere with it. I barely make myself known around places like this specifically, because I rarely find a place that I feel like I could contribute. And don't get me wrong, it's definitely not your fault. I'm simply inept at putting thought to word.
I guess the main problem I'm having is that I feel like I'm not leaving much behind. I seem to always be a lurker, always keep quite. It might not be a fear of rejection or judgement as much as a fear of acceptance. I'm only guessing though. It could be that I'm scared of people appreciating me or depending on me too much, and that I might mess up or ruin something and they'll never forgive me. I might falter or make one small mistake that could destroy the whole relation, or that I might not fulfill someone's expectations after they've really met me. I'm not scared of people just rejecting me outright, that's their problem, and I definitely have been rejected from just talking to someone I wanted to know. It's a horrid feeling. But for some reason I think it worse to build up massive expectations and never being able to meet them. I don't want to disappoint anyone, yet I don't know how to seek approval or to reach that mark if anyone really does have an expectation from me. I don't want to do too much for someone, for fear I may not be able to give as much again.
But there are always exceptions, and it only takes on to break a rule.
And I want to be one of the exceptions. I want to change these ways .-.
Most people might not remember who you are, but rather what effect you've had on them.
There's a quote that goes something like that
I want to affect someone as more than a friend. I want to leave behind more than just a friendly hug, or humerus conversation. I want to change someone like they've changed me, and I hope I'm able to.
Disclaimer; don't take all of the above /too/ seriously, it's just miscellaneous ranting. It's all spontaneous and may not be an absolute truth. But it's pretty close.
"We're meant to lose the people we love. I mean, how else are we supposed to know how important they are?" <3
[Edit for this quote ^]
[also I may habitually add a quote to the end of any journal entries, whether a fitting quote or not.]