how to reach me
• if i feel comfortable with u, we can exchange phone numbers. just pm me!
• my summoner name is designer soap, but i don't play much league anymore.
• my battle tag is docbeckett#1903
i like video games, esports, music, movies, tv shows, mysteries, writing, and standup comedy.
when im not shitposting or memeing (forgive me), i mainly post things i find funny or interesting. i tend to keep to the stream mostly. sometimes i chill in the chat.
heres some more info about me and the things i like.
music: i looove classic rock. in addition, my fav bands/musicians are rush, mgmt, billy joel, st. vincent, steely dan, black keys, eagles, tame impala, king gizzard, dire straits, fleet foxes, franz ferdinand, And So Much More™.
esports: i mainly follow the league of legends scene. i regularly watch na + eu lcs. i try to watch lck. i catch highlights of other regions, and follow all major tournaments. my favorite team is cloud 9 (i used to like gravity, but they are no more...). i also like dignitas, echo fox, h2k, uol (they were the first team i watched a pro match of), and g2 (croatian pride). i watch twitch streams basically 24/7. i've been looking to delve into other esports scenes, like cs:go and overwatch. honestly, get me started on lolesports and i can't shut up haha
games i play: mainly world of warcraft and overwatch. i hardly play league of legends anymore. also, pokemon (i've been playing since pearl), animal crossing new leaf, and guild wars 2.
pokemon: fav mons are absol, mantyke, seviper, ninetales, mimikyu, arbok, houndoom, rotom, dragalge. fav type is ghost.
fav comedians: mitch hedberg, bo burnham, tig notaro, bill burr, norm macdonald, louis c.k., john mulaney, george carlin.
fav shows: quantum leap, seinfeld, psych, monk, the office, columbo. i don't watch tv as much as i should lol.
fav movies: i don't watch too many movies either, oops. but, i like the untouchables, warcraft, o brother where art thou, and goodfellas.
more fav things: color is green, food is white chocolate, season is autumn or winter.
if u read all that ily.
p.s. if you have any recommendations of things i might find cool, or just a silly joke or video u think i would like, u should totally show me!! ♡
p.p.s don't be afraid to reach out to me im a lonely nerd. see the widget above.
james earl jones spoke to me in a vision
this ended up a lot longer than i first intended and i edited it a few times. now im going to bed.
my parents know better than everyone else that i have no direction in my life
so usually my father likes to recommend random jobs like "HEY YOU OWN A COMPUTER! YOU COULD BE A PROGRAMMER!" usually followed by "I HAVE CONNECTIONS, YOU KNOW." and then a rant about unions or cnn or millennials or something
well apparently my father and sister were talking about opening a gaming café/esports bar type thing
at first i was like Does Not Compute but now im like....
Hm... it would let me get involved in what i love most (if u haven't heard its called "esporps"). lord knows i'm not good enough to play or shoutcast or anything like that. and it sounds super cool and fun
its gonna take A Lot Of Work. and Money. i have neither the work ethic nor the money. prob go to trade school, get a high-paying, shitty (maybe literally) job, save up Money, pick any of the ruins of blockbusters or dominic's in the Chicagoland area, open the establishment, etc.,
most definitely just a pipe dream, as most of my ideas are. this one tho.... one of my better pipe dreams.
during this discussion with my father (he said we could get a sponsorship or something from "one of those Korean gamer dweebs" and "make a menu with some game-inspired vegan shit, that's all kids eat these days is grass" and you could host, what is it, Worlds??") my mom kept quoting field of dreams
i don't know what i want to do. i just hope its something with esports. cause like, that's so important to me. its like.... Me...... like, what was i before i turned on my first ever professional league game... the eu promotion tournament... and watched in confusion and awe as the unicorns of love made it into the eulcs. csacsi's poppy. OLD poppy. quickshot (though i didn't know who he was at the time) losing his mind.
or worlds 2014, a few month and a half later. where i still didn't know much, only that this was like the super bowl of pro league. didn't know the teams, or what region they came from. i remember laughing at dark passage, who hadn't won a match. seeing kabum beat alliance with my own two eyes and not quite understanding the gravity of the situation, why everyone was freaking out. i remember old cloud 9, i think it was hai who said, "THIS IS FOR KABUM!" i was like hey those guys are from north america! neato!
then i started watching regularly blah blah blah now i inhale esporps like oxygen. i don't have much to offer the esporps community in terms of skill. cant play for shit, garbo art skills, how do i speak to other humans, cant shoutcast, etc... esporps are growing faster and faster... more recognition and stuff... even if league dies (most Experts say its got at the very least another good 5-10 years, if it ever dies at all) there are other games and stuff. but you can bet ill never get tired of esports. ever. not gonna happen.
esporps could just be a passion while i work some dumb 9 to 5 job. you don't have to make something ur passionate about a job. in fact its probably very unrealistic. but passions aren't really fun if you don't have anyone to share them with. it feels really lonely, actually. i just imagine a lonely apsa in some drab grey apartment building watching skt win their 10th world championship, and faker gets a pentakill and im like "HOLY SHIT DID U SEE THAT PLAY" and being like no, no one did, im alone :( i just wanna geek out man!!
when i attended worlds 2016, in Chicago, my favorite place, i remember my sister and i just... that was my favorite memory. of anything ever. i was scared about going, but when i was there, the whole experience, knowing i was with like minded nerds and everything, made me so unbelieveably happy. my blog about the experience with photos and videos and people and everything.
can i revel in something i love while making others happy? should i lower my expectations? what do i do with my life? open an esports bar?? )?? be a shoutcaster?? interviewer??? analyst?? coach?? get involved in esports at all?? be a standup comedian?? tv show/movie writer??? actress??? those were things you always wanted to do, remember katie?? how funny!!! maybe become an engineer like my dad? go to college?? 9 to 5 job?? do something for others?? do something for myself?? both?? don't get a job at all??? die???? what??Q????!?!?? aaaaa
i meant to post this next bit for a while, but i forgot... or maybe didn't want to idk..... as u know im a lonely apsa. about mid december (this past december), i posted on my facebook, my old facebook with "friends" (acquaintances at best) and stuff. i just said something like hey heres my number if u wanna reconnect.
one person texted me. my old best friend. probably the only true friend i ever had, A. we were bffs in elementary school, middle school drove us apart a bit cause of schedules and i was going through a lot of mental issues (hospitalizations and stuff), and for my 8th grade year i changed schools cause of that. and by high school she was just a memory, hardly ever seen her in the halls in the sea of people. sometimes people just phase out of your life yanno, no harm done, just something that ends up happening..
in those elementary school days we bonded over being the "smart kids", they pulled A and me and a handful of other kids (we were all friends) to be put in "accelerated" math and english class. those classes, the teacher, Mrs. W, i have fond memories of. sitting in beanbags while Mrs. W read to us (lois lowry books and stuff) and we did nanowrimo and the other kids asked me for advice because mrs. w always encouraged me to write and said i was really talented and i didn't believe her and i still don't, and playing educational board games like syzygy, not doing my math work cause math sucks, distracting A while she tried to do homework and her laughing and saying maybe she can wait a bit to finish it, doing brain teasers and stuff. well A lived close to the elementary school we went too, and i did too, but my mom wouldn't let me walk to school even though all the cool kids did it. but A's house was close so my mom would begrudgingly let me walk to her house after school. i remember me and A would discuss harry potter mythos, her very traditional Chinese parents (her father liked the eagles, i recognized the cd's in his collection) cooking noodles for us and they were spicy, too spicy, and i said they were delicious. we went to six flags, a jonas brothers concert (i didn't even like the Jonas bros. but mrs. w got free tickets and i was 10 and it was fun!!). i went to A's house a lot, and when my mom came to pick me up when it got too dark to walk home, A and i hoped our moms would keep talking about Adult Things so we could keep playing.
anyway we texted. she asked how i was doing, i said ok, she asked what hour i had lunch, i said 5th, she said me too lets meet in the library itll be great!! i actually tried to put together an outfit, my new boots. i put my hair up, then took it down again. i waited nervously in the common area of the library and she showed up. she was with three others.... two were old friends that i knew, M and K. one was a girl i'd never seen before.
im not sure how it was.
A talked about our old elementary school friends and how they are now. "oh so-and-so's an honor student", "blahblah's gained some weight" ((im thinking gee if you think blahblah's gained weight... have you SEEN me!! lol)). i kinda nodded along, chuckled and smiled as necessary. A didn't seem the same, but maybe it was a case of rose tinted glasses or whatever.
she asked me, "what happened in middle school? when you were gone all that time? i worried about you. a lot of people did." ...what people, i thought... and i said "i had some issues, and i moved schools for 8th grade." she asked "oh, what school?" and i was like... at a mental crossroads. do i tell her i went to a behavioral school, or do i just shit out some random vague answer and hope she doesn't ask any more questions.
i decided on the latter. because going to that school (remind me to journal about that too, and include the steely dan song my old school, dam i love that song), and really the hospitalizations and struggling with my mental issues, was an important part of me. so i told her the truth. "i went to a behavioral school." she seemed genuinely curious, not really judgy. she was like "oh really? for what?" and i was like "just mental stuff. its why i was gone for so long" (the other girls were nice enough, but were mostly chatting amongst themselves, cause i wasn't as close with any of em as i was with A) and she gave me a weird look, but not a bad weird look, just a weird look. idk how to describe it. "so what school was it?? what is a behavioral school even? isnt it for kids that act out or something?" and i said "yeah but they like to say 'externalize'. i was one of the few who were there cause i 'internalized'." and she said "what kind of kids were there?? did they like throw desks and stuff?" and i was like "actually yeah haha. most of em were there for anger issues, or minor drug problems or school avoidance or something."
i knew i couldn't tell her about how i was friends with everyone there (like i said ill journal about this later), even the 'externalizers'. and how i learned so much about all different kinds of people and their issues and their walks of life, and how i gained perspective, and talked my friend J out of throwing a desk at the teacher, and having to endure the actual screams of mentally ill 7 year olds, the teachers who were so cool, fistfights at the highschool so they closed the blinds so we couldn't see, ted talks in art class, and my friend N (who was actually, crazy enough, my roommate while i was hospitalized. we recognized each other immediately) and i visiting the little kids, and crazy fun field trips, and group therapy, and learning acceptance and respect and empathy and understanding, and wanting to leave that school cause i thought i was ready for high school but god was i wrong, i miss it and want to go back, but now i just stay in one classroom all day and do my work on the computer and that's why even at high school you never see me. no, i don't know...
i couldn't tell her that cause there wasn't enough time in the world. it made me sad in that moment, made my heart heavy.
she changed the subject a bit. "so... why were you there then? like, what specifically?" and i say "i have depression, and anxiety." i don't know if i meant to use present tense. A thinks for a bit, and smiles a soft smile that i remember. "out of the two of us, you were always the most outgoing. remember? i was always afraid to talk to adults, and you would always of the talking." i said, "yeah." i was trying not to cry, and she could tell. she changed subjects again. "i don't see you around. where are your classes?" and i said "im in a... kinda weird program... i just chill in one classroom all day. most of my classes are online." and she says "oh. so i guess that's why i haven't seen you around. what classes do you take?" and i say " hell i don't know, just the basic ones i guess." and she says shes taking Advanced College English VIIVIIIIVIVIXI and World GeoPolitics Infinite Death Unfun and Super Hard Trigonomalgeometheorycollegelevel Math Class and she pulls out her math notes. i say, "it may as well be a foreign language to me." and laugh a bit. she looks at me and says, "you can do it though, if you wanted. especially the English, you were always such a good writer. you should challenge yourself."
i know shes just trying to help, but she just tells me what everyone else does. it would be so nice to go to all those advanced classes, and learn, and try hard at my studies every day. but i cant go in the halls during passing period because theres too many people touching and talking and looking and in class i cant get called on or ill stutter really bad and feel everyones eyes burning into me and i cant sit down with a textbook and take notes because my mind strays no matter how hard i concentrate and i never did my past work anway so im missing all the baseline knowledge i need to grasp the more advanced material and i don't want people to look at me or think of me because they all wonder whats wrong with me and hate me and i feel bitter when i see girls talking with their friends or their boyfriends or whatever and i say katie snap out of it youre terrible for being jealous and bitter and you don't deserve friends and relationships anyway and when i lay down at night to go to bed i don't sleep and replay every awful thing ive ever done and i don't deserve anything good that happens to me and when i am happy in those brief moments i tell myself to knock it off your smile looks stupid and you cant be happy and when people say nice things to you they do it out of pity and ur not funny or smart or anything. and why why did they ever tell you you were smart. why did they have to do that. im not. im not. i know better than everyone else that im not smart. because im lazy and i fucked everything up. A i know youre trying to help but you don't understand... you never could, unless you've felt how i have, and experienced and seen what i have.
so i say, "maybe."
and the other three girls enter back into the conversation and A and the three talk about politics and how the election is going and using big terms i cant understand and i hate politics but here i am seated with like, The Youth of America over here who actually try to make a difference and care about politics while i just plug my ears. theyre gonna have jobs, be politicians or doctors or some shit, what will i be. they try to edge me into the convo, and i just give distracted half answers cause idk what theyre talking about.
i want to talk more, explain myself, maybe talk about the things i like, like music (A, do we listen to the same music? have the same taste? could you show me some of your favorite bands?), or esports (A, have you heard? they play video games professionally. its so cool. maybe you've seen epsorts mentioned or something?? i follow the league of legends scene, its the biggest and most popular. i could tell you all about the history, my favorite teams and players, storylines, i went to worlds, it was fun, i saw my favorite team live, and hey they did a new player stream for worlds. its good for beginners. or we could just jump in to my favorite professional matches. uol vs fnc 2015 spring, i believe? gravity vs tsm spring 2015?? watching games is why i get up in the morning, what i live and breathe, i stay up late to watch, it makes me so happy!! get me started and i cant shut up!! hey A, what are you passionate about?? what drives you?? what do you love?? what could you talk about for hours??), or tv and movies (A, whats your favorite tv show?? mine is quantum leap. its kinda old, but i know you'd love it, its your style i think. your favorite movie?? i don't watch a lot of tv or movies. what about you??) or pastimes (i love standup comedy. have you ever given it a listen, A? i could show you some of my favorites. i like making people laugh, and i love to laugh. i cant laugh with you yet...)..........
anything really. but the silence was heavy and choked me and i felt so nostalgic and said and nostalgisad and like such a failure and the air crushes me with explanations and rants and tangents and stories and jokes and questions and qupis i could have said, but i didn't and i don't know why.
the bell rings and A says, "we should do this again sometime" and i say yeah and i texted her the next day, just casual, nothing big, no pressure, but its (CURRENT DATE) and she never answered.
this journal was only supposed to be about the little interaction above but i turned it into some weird existential crisis and i still feel in a thinking mood, like i have more to say to you guys, but its 10:30pm and ill just finish watching team gates get rekt by big gods jackals and wait for my sleep medicine to kick in and wonder what i will do in my life. sorry for typos.