idk

suh dudes. life has been... 6/10

we've been SHORT as HECK at work dude. its sooo bad. chill days like mondays and tuesdays feel more like fridays. i actually have to do my job. its bullshit. some guy named JB is working again, he used to work here before i was hired. apparently the dude is a legend, they say he closes custard machine in 10 minutes... how. anyway JB is a really cool guy, young, was stationed in north carolina (so idk why hes here?? or how long hes gonna be working here). the first day i met him he told me a story of his drill sergeant messing with everyone and being a dick. and JB goes "man id like to be like that." and i asked if hes ever seen the movie full metal jacket, and hes like "hell yeah dude" and we talked about how it was sad that r lee ermey died. a few days ago it was Stressful and i was runnin around doing stuff and JB goes "you know what helps?" and im like what and he goes "singing" (cause he raps like, all the time) and im like "well yeah but then id just be transferring the stress to my coworkers... trust me, u dont wanna hear that shit"
i saw two new hires yesterday, it was their orientation day i believe?? and it was TT and me on drive and CL goes "and this is the drive thru" and gestures to us and i wave. tbh im hoping i get to help train these new guys, cause the idea of training people is fun to me :)
today i was scheduled for 6-8... two hours. i was like ://// but it turns out it was just for a meeting with 3 of my fellow coworkers, TT, and KD. Risk Management meeting. basically, they just tell us what to do In An Emergency. everything from tornadoes to 3rd degree burns. KD said that all the shift leaders/managers are trained in this stuff, but at least 1 Normal Employee who is trained in it needs to be scheduled each day. so i was like, shit, i think this is good. cause 1) it shows they trust me to be able to handle shit like this should it happen, and 2) it's really good for my longevity. combined with the fact that im working Longer Shifts now, im hoping i might soon get the chance to Move On Up.

ive been thinking a lot about my dynamic with my coworkers and how exactly i fit in. actually, just how i am as a person in general. idk. im just a very akward person, cause i havent needed to interact with peers in so long. i come across as very nervous and sheepish. im about to be 18, but i don't drive (and thats a whole thing, because im so nervous to drive, my permit expires in june 2019 so i dont have much time, and im honestly just too exhausted/lazy from work to practice driving. i havent driven since i got my permit. nearly a year ago. i reaaaaally want to, cause i need the independence, but, for reasons previously mentioned, im Procrastinating.) so that doesnt really help my image.

i think its got a lot to do with how i look. im Fat fyi. its always been that way, its always bothered me. ive been at relatively the same weight since i started work, which is 40lbs down from my highest. the scale tells me a number that i don't believe when i look in the mirror. the pants which used to be hard to put on are now easy. im on my last belt loop. but i dont look like what the scale says i do, and what ive been eating means must mean that the scale is totally off. but its not, it works fine. idk. i just wish i was Less Fat. to be healthier, to Attract a Mate, to be confident, and also because, idk if any of u guys are fat but its a fact that people treat you differently if ur fat. a lot of very subtle things. but it sucks.
another thing people might not understand is, most fat people are addicts. addicted to sugar and other bad stuff. its hard to break an addiction, especially when its all ive ever known. it sounds shitty to call Fatness an addiction when smokers and shit exist, but its the best way i can describe it.
for once i just want someone to be attracted to me. for once i just want to be confident in my own skin.

as for the guitar (and also harmonica) uhm why can't i be good enough to play in a band and dazzle people with my guitar skills without practicing?? where is my deep knowledge of music theory and song/lyric writing (i feel like an idiot when i look at my 20page document analyzing songs i like and listing various ideas ive had cause i know im too much of a dumbass to do anything with it)?? cant i just be able to shred kid charlemagne without even trying?? this, and the weight loss (or lack of) relates to discipline. im just gonna keep trying to play. i feel like if i go about it in a different way, it may lead me to practice more. so ive been thinking of it like, "there isn't a Final Destination, just have fun with it." still havent picked it up in 2 1/2 weeks tho (dabs) i will tonight i think. or harmonica. idk. at least im resuming voice lessons (but i need to sing, and i cant at home cause theyll hear me :/)
on the topic of pipe dreams, learning a language (gaelic, korean, croatian) would be cool.

im starting to get why they call it a crush now. oof. i heard DL's girl is in town. it stings, man. I Didn't Sign Up For This Shit.

gonna start at the community college in spring. gives me like 9-10months to acquire cash and prob get my drivers license.

honestly cannot wait till im 18 im gonna get all the tattoos. ... maybe not all of them. but i really love tattoos.

also my sister texted me this and its the realest thing

discipline is a perfect album btw

idk thats all... bye (also how the heck many times did i say idk in this journal??)