ooh hello r50!!! its been a while, uh i graduated secondary school/highschool and finished my final exams so i'll know in august whether or not i got into my chosen college!!! i finally have free time but im still in school mode so it'll take a while for me to get back into the swing of being a normal human lmao
so things. Actually worked out with my crush I'm literally dying he's such a freakin cutie???? we're going on a date next weekend so that's p sweet
my exams are inching closer though, but I have been doing better emotionally and academically. my best friend is going through a tough time atm so my main priority is being there for them. I guess... everything's looking up?
when I have more time on my hands I guess that'll mean more art and writing and all that other dreamy stuff 🌺
my crush likes my best friend. he's tipsy rn and making it pretty clear. I'm not jealous, I'm just not dealing with it very well. my mental health is absolutely abysmal at the moment. I've never hated myself this much, ever. all those self-help articles say to be kind to yourself, to be aware of your inner voice, to not be too critical, but I think if I met someone who acted like me, I'd hate them. when the self loathing goes beyond your outward appearance, that's when it STINGS.
my medication just went up, from 25mg to 50mg. I think I could do with more, but my mood is too changeable to know for sure. I have ups and downs but they're very severe. at the moment I'm stressed about exams, and I've been on a really horrible low. I tried to drown myself two weeks ago but I got too scared. that's probably a good thing. I've never self harmed before (apart from mild scalding) because I'm scared of blood. being a big baby is protecting me from myself 😊
I'm sorry for being a drag, especially because I haven't been active here in a while, but I've always seen r50 as a safe space for feelings. if you read this, thank you. god bless 💙💙