Journal

Back

002

Posted May 1, 2019 at 8:01am

who knew it would be another nine months after my first journal entry that i'd write the second -- that's a full term. that's a whole-ass baby!
things have been, without consideration, really wild. i guess i'll start where i left off.
i ended up getting into my chosen college. i studied film for a month but had difficulty making friends and the physical work was difficult -- i have dyspraxia which, for those unaware, means i have a lot of difficulty with my motor skills. long story short, i absolutely hate working with cameras. i find it extremely difficult to work within a 3d space sometimes if that makes sense, and my brain struggles with physical commands. so i ended up switching course, or major, or whatever you might call it, to animation.
i goddamn hated it. every single minute of it. the only thing that made me like it was reconnecting with an old friend from almost ten years ago -- she's probably one of my closest friends now despite it being such a short time since i reconnected with her. strange how fate works sometimes, huh?
my main issue with the animation course wasn't the work. it was the people. my class -- there was around fourteen of us, i'd say -- there was such an air of superiority about them. everyone was silently competing, and not in a friendly rivalry-type way. it was much more sinister... and i stood out like a sore thumb too, given that i joined the course a month in.
my college does this other course called entry level design, which lets you utilize your first semester to get a taste of all the design curricula it has to offer. so along came the second semester and lo and behold, guess who joined the class? the toxic friend i cut off. i foreseen that, anyway -- i remembered her saying she wanted to study animation a while back when we were still friends, but i was really hoping it didn't happen. (by the way, to recap, my first journal explains that whole situation, albeit in brevity) so as you can imagine, things began to crumble from there.
i really wanted to make it work, to put things behind me, to let bygones be bygones. and i was handling it, for a while, but over-time it got harder. seeing her acting so nice, putting on her mask that she wore for me for so many years, and no one knowing her true intentions -- that upset me. i still trucked on.
and then she started taking unwarranted photos of my sister on the bus in order to make fun of her. i still can't get over this level of pettiness. so much for being an adult.

and so i dropped out of college.
i avoided doing so for so long, because i didn't want to be seen as a failure. i didn't want to be the person that didn't stick it out. but i wasn't happy, and i realized that i was the only one who could change that.
i applied to a different college, in northern ireland, for music. i did my audition. i got in. i'm in. september is a new beginning and i hope to god it's a good one, because i really want to get it right this time.

i'll probably do another entry very soon, and this time i mean it. i have a lot more on my mind but i'm too tired to put it into words. i'm not unhappy, just to clarify-- i hope this journal doesn't come off as mournful, because i intended it to be more reflective than anything. i'm just very tired. i'm okay though.


Sparkleafexc
Heart1
May 6, 2019 at 11:17pm
It's good that you were able to realize that path, that environment just wasn't for you <: No matter how long it took, it takes courage to change your life for the better